All we can do is keep breathing

Keep Breathing - Ingrid Michaelson

I use numbness. I'm afraid to feel. I barricade myself against everything, disappointment to hope, sadness to joy. I'm a coward. And sometimes I feel I'm wasting a life away.

“Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.” 

My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult 

I've got my life in a suitcase, ready to run run run away

The Day I Lost My Voice (The Suitcase Song) - Copeland

You painted me in pastel, colours that don't tell of any boldness

The Artist - The Hush Sound

I love jellyfish. They're so mysterious and beautiful and terrifying all at once.

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable

Breathe (2AM) - Anna Nalick

The fog going down Mt. Tateyama made things dangerous and beautiful all at once.

Listening: Untitled - The Gazette

Two of the best shows ever created: One Piece and Firefly. 

I'm starting the love Grey's Anatomy as well.

Come on, come on, put your hands into the fire

Into The Fire - Thirteen Senses

How I wish people weren't so self-obsessed. How I wish to run off to some faraway place and start anew.
It's something I feel like I have to prove to myself and the world. I'd rather be forgotten than looked down upon.

Toyama, Japan in May - June 2012. One of the most meaningful two weeks of my life.

Most of the time I can only drown myself in apathy and self-righteousness to avoid the stab your words and expression cause.
Even so, the sting hurts and lingers.

I may not be like you and society's ideal human being, but it doesn't entitle judgement.
I can change only that much.
They say don't do onto others what you wouldn't want done onto yourself. It doesn't work.

When she was just a girl, she expected the world

Paradise - Coldplay

I'm going to live in Japan one day.

I sail above the frozen peaks, deep in cold cathedral caves

Sailboats - Sky Sailing

The scenic lands of Europe are almost magical.

I'll be in Japan for two weeks. I really don't know what to expect there, so I'm just feeling all sorts of emotions.

And right now there's a war between the vanities

Come Home - OneRepublic ft. Sara Bareilles

Still nervous and excited for two weeks in Japan. I'm leaving tomorrow, but I've barely packed. I can't wait to see the place, though.

I passed by Final Theory Test for driving, thank goodness. Now all I have to worry about is my Practical Test. Hopefully I can get my license before university begins. 

Speaking of university, I'm conflicted about signing up for freshmen orientation camps. A part of me knows I should go for the sake of making friends and knowing more about the school, but the rest of me feels like too much of a social disaster. The last camp I'd been too was in Secondary 2 and have gone to extraordinary measures to avoid camps ever since. I don't want to have to spend three days straight putting up with over-enthusiastic people and the pressure to join in. It's all so fake and desperate I can't see myself enjoying it.

On another note, while this may be premature to think about, I'm afraid of letting people down if I don't go to Bangkok in June. It'll be fun, cheap shopping and late nights in the hotel all to ourselves, but I don't know if I'm up to it. Yet.

JAPAN. JAPAN. JAPAN. JAPAN. 

I wonder if Erika and Janice are as nervous as I am.

Still every mother's child sings a lonely song

The Riddle - Five for Fighting

London has the most beautiful architecture and parks. I miss the freezing cold weather, especially since it has been so unbearably stuffy and humid in Singapore.

I'm starting to feel more and more anxious about the Japan trip with Erika and Janice as the day nears. It's exciting, but so many things could go wrong. I'm looking forward to seeing Japan, but not to facing all my little personal problems.

See it tear you up, when it calls your bluff

Bluff - Pilot Speed

When the lie that keeps you warm is the truth you're counting on.

Affection, the gifted architect is making a draft and beautiful design

Designer Skyline - Owl City

Thanks for all the respect, and lack thereof.

The stars, the moon, they've all been blown out

Cosmic Love - Florence + The Machine

I miss them already. It has barely been a day, but I miss them. The last few days at work was the most fun I've had since I can remember. I didn't even mind staying past midnight in the store to finish up the reports, since it was fun hanging out with them. My previous job had felt me with such a pessimistic view of the workplace that I assumed I was only going to end up with mindless, life-sucking jobs thereafter. But no, if anything, just chatting with G and J helped me regain some confidence and hope in myself.
I feel like such a huge disappointment to them for not staying. The fact that they asked means a lot to me. Seeing them sad makes me feel sad too. I can't last remember being genuinely excited and looking forward to doing something, to seeing someone. All along I've felt happiest coping myself up in my room, where it was most peaceful. But that day, I couldn't help grinning like an idiot when I saw him there, already expecting me.
But that's how it is, isn't it? The sting of goodbyes will eventually fade away. People let go and move on, but it doesn't mean that anyone you meet is any less important.
Anyway, I still have my driving, university acceptance and Japan trip to settle. When I work, I end up neglecting everything else. I tell myself I have to think about what's truly essential in my life, rather than fleeting moments.

I will fight one more fight, don't break down in front of me

The Last Fight - Bullet For My Valentine

Which is worse, trying too hard or not trying at all?  I just want to stay at home and drown myself in books the rest of the holidays. 

On the bright side, work officially ends in two days. Although a small part of me wants to stay on and help J and maybe S with the reports, the urge to slack at home is stronger. That sounds pathetic, and probably is to most people, but I feel like I've been so caught up in making money I've neglected everything else. I'm tired all the time. I haven't earned much, and only recently did I accept that I can never earn enough. I've made barely enough for my trip to Japan, but there's no point in stressing over it. Plus, I think I need to regain some self-confidence before heading out into the working world again. At least I'll always know that no job can be as horrible and downright boring as my previous retail job at CM.

あの水平線が遠ざかっていく

Diver - NICO Touches The Walls

It always feels as if they're a reflection of everything I'm not, everything I could only hope to become.

I tried to paint you a picture, the colors were all wrong

All We Are - OneRepublic

"What a treacherous thing to believe that a person is more than a person."

- Quote from John Green's Paper Towns.

I think we all tend to idealize or have preconceptions of others. That's something John Green made me realize. It's never correct. Who you are is never really the same person others believe you are. There are many different sides to people, and to me, the most annoying questions in the world are 'Why are you so different today?', 'What's wrong with you today?'. In each others' eyes, we're all a bunch of incomplete misrepresentations. I wish more people would understand that, rather than assume nonexistent knowledge of other people.
John Green has fascinated me with the ideal of fictional characters becoming real. Where's the line between fiction and reality? How can we ever be certain that what we believe about others is absolutely true, rather than just our own imagination?

Sidenote: I got accepted into the Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences in the National University of Singapore. I did work hard, to the point that I resent those who don't believe in hard work and putting in effort as an excuse for failure (the kind of person I used to be), to admiring those who do regardless of their results.

Feet don't fail me now, take me to the finish line

 Born To Die - Lana Del Rey

I wonder if we will ever become accustomed to watching people come and go. I know it doesn't hurt as much as it used to.

The crown slips from heads unworthy

 From Heads Unworthy - Rise Against

The view from a moving train that speeds to Paris, chasing the prospect of a bustling, vibrant urban cityscape. The journey was the first I had ever seen such vast stretches of nature, of such serenity and beauty. Thoughts of nothing but endless miles of land and simple imagination always refresh me.  
But then, I fear the comfort and allure of my city.

Everything you could have been... Has been rebuilt with gauze and tin

Platano - Cassino

Don't look out your window. Darling, everything's on fire.

Safe and Sound - Taylor Swift ft. The Civil Wars

The oppressiveness of society's idea of normalcy threatens to overwhelm us.

I pack my suit in a bag. I'm all dressed up for Prague

Prague - Damien Rice

What ever happened to humility? Is pride that important?

There is a house built out of stone. Wooden floors, walls and window sills...

To Build a Home - The Cinematic Orchestra

Sometimes I hate my cowardice. Sometimes I hate my extreme self-consciousness. Sometimes I hate my social anxiety. It's beyond frustrating to live in a society that values extroverted people. It is almost insufferable to have to put up with condescension every day. 

I just want to get on the next plane to Australia or Japan or whatever and spend some time in solitude surrounded by nature. As much as I love my few friends and family, I am so sick of the omnipresence of people and buildings in Singapore. I think we all need to take a breather in life. 

Another mindlessly boring day of work tomorrow. It's also my birthday, and I hope it passes by quietly.

One day I woke in the rubble, knee-deep in damage I'd done

Delicate - Kina Grannis

Innocence and arrogance entwined, in the filthiest of minds

My Mistakes Were Made For You - The Last Shadow Puppets

Imagine you could tear the world apart, lay it all out like a weather chart

End of All Time - Stars of Track and Field